For me, discovering there was such a thing as shower beer felt a little like the first time I watched Eyes Wide Shut and Tom Cruise gets to that perverse party and you’re like, “What in the world are people thinking?”
And yet, it is a thing, by which I mean it has a name and an Instagram hashtag and a reddit feed (neither of which are nearly as exciting as you’d expect them to be), and kind of cultish group of devotees. There’s a website with merch, even.
Well, I’ve given the concept a try–several tries, in fact–and I’m afraid I just don’t get it. I was open to it. Really! And I’m still not “against it,” as if that would matter in the least. I just couldn’t get into it.
This, then, is my expert assessment of the three signs to help you know you’re just not the shower beer type.
1. You Don’t Have a Crushable Beer in Your Beer Fridge
Now, this is already probably controversial. If you look at the images of people drinking shower beers online, then you’ll notice they run the gamut in terms of style, especially getting into hoppy beers like IPAs. So, some folks like an intense shower beer.
But the prevailing wisdom, as represented, for instance, on Beer Advocate, is that a good shower beer ought to be a low ABV that you can down pretty quick. This was an obvious issue for me, as it takes me, like, 5 minutes to shower, while I can nurse a beer for 30-60 minutes at a time.
The three times I tried this, I had limited options in the crushable category. I went with a Revolution Anti-Hero the first time. Too hoppy. My second try was a Firestone Walker Luponic Distortion, which I figured would be juicier and thus work well. Still too strong.
My third go around, however, I went with an Old Style. I don’t normally drink Old Style, but I had it on hand for another experiment, and I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. The Old Style was the closest to a satisfying shower beer experience, but it wasn’t so good that I’m likely to keep it on hand just for that purpose.
2. You’re Likely to Worry About Getting Soap in Your Beer
I don’t know what kind of showers other folks have, but in my shower, the water gets pretty much everywhere, what with the scrubbing and the hair washing and the standing under a running shower head. And when I lather up, the lather splashes hither and yon as well.
There’s no place in my shower where I can be confident that the soap-laden splatter will not contaminate my beer. That means every time I bring a beer in there, I’m worried the whole time that I’m splashing too much.
Now, there are two ways to solve that problem. First, keep the beer outside the shower. That reduces some of the convenience, however, and it means you’re not getting as much of the sweaty can aesthetic that seems so important to the whole experience.
The second solution is to not soap up but just enjoy the warm water and the beer. But that means I’m not achieving the very purpose for which I got into the shower. If you start putting the beer before your hygiene, you have other problems than lather splatter.
3. You Don’t Like Taking Nude Selfies & Posting Them Online
I have to wonder if shower beer would really be a thing without the internet. I mean, people would probably still drink in the shower (people are animals, after all. They do crazy stuff.), but would it have a cult status like shower beer does?
A big part of the shower beer seems to be taking a selfie whilst drinking it. Does this strike anyone else as weird, or have we all abandoned all notions of privacy or modesty entirely?
Okay, to be fair, the selfies are “tasteful” insofar as they tend to be shoulders and up, but few of us are attractive enough that such a picture–in the poor lighting offered by your bathroom–can ever really be tasteful. Plus now you’re futzing with your phone in a room that’s all about running water. I don’t see how this can be a good idea.
If you don’t expect these things to bug you, then you might give shower beer a try. For the rest of us, we’ll wish you happy drinking and enjoy our brew on the couch like a normal person.
